This is my hammock, where I ponder life's happenings.

![18789151_10208712915331263_478381903_o.png](https://steemitimages.com/DQmP4MUpsaL3tRkaZcVGKmqzuEEfiSkfHZJam52bFHKTxre/18789151_10208712915331263_478381903_o.png)

Hello, I'm Sarah and I'm codependent as fuck!

Codependency is a subject that I do a lot of pondering over since I had my, *“Holy hell, I’m codependent as fuck,”* moment. When I first heard the term, my first reaction was, *“I’m not dependent on anyone! I’m one of the most independent people I know!”* Good thing I took the time to actually look into what codependency is, so I could actually learn that I’m not crazy and there’s others just like me. I’m writing this because I understand how complex of a journey it is and how difficult it can be. It can be a lonely process, but no one has to go through it alone. I’ve always been that friend that has been there no matter what. I was poor at setting boundaries and easily slid into *helping* roles. I even graduated with a degree in Social Work. I am officially qualified to professionally *help* others for the rest of my life. I did at times hold a victim mentality. Wondering why I was being wronged by others when I was so altruistic, kind, and helpful. I didn’t realize that my “helping” was often damaging and the only real needs I was trying to fulfill were my own. Although my behavior was not coming from a bad place, it still would have a harmful impact at times. Unconscious behavior can be one of the worst kinds because we have NO clue why we are doing what we are doing and we are often stuck in the same cycle. In this lifetime, I am focusing on breaking these cycles. Codependency has become a gift that has allowed me to analyze and better understand myself. It’s been painful and beautiful all at the same time. It can be an incredible catalyst of growth if we allow it to be. Breaking a lifetime of patterns and cycles is equally scary as it is liberating. There are many shades of codependency. I’ve found myself as the puppet and then I have become the master. I’ve been triggered into spiraling downwards and almost drowned in the mountainous feelings of abandonment and rejection. I’ve been controlled and I’ve been controlling. I’ve been manipulated and I’ve manipulated others. All of this, in the never ending pursuit of external validation and the avoidance of rejection at all costs. The biggest thing I’ve learned through the experiences that I have had is that I had no control after all. The only thing I can control is my actions and reactions. Really adopting that mentality and practicing non-control is much easier said than done! This is the stage I am in now. There will be progress, relapse, and lots of maintenance, but it will all be worth it in the end. My daughter has been my main motivation for continuing this internal change and not sitting in the same patterns. I know it’s external motivation, but through her, I am learning to love myself more and in the end we both win for that one! I am honored that she has chosen me as her mother and I will try to grow into the best example I can be for her. I choose ME! Here’s to breaking patterns and putting ourselves first for once!

Anyone else going through this?

***Also as a note! My friend introduced me to Lisa A. Romano's youtube videos on codependency and I found them INCREDIBLY helpful! Just wanted to share that in case someone is looking! https://youtu.be/9KOAteGY3-8?list=PLY5AdnkHlSBZ7RMOEpGIXL130XG8LH6jA https://www.youtube.com/user/lisaaromano1