Disclaimer:

This is a piece of fiction I wrote for my South African biker buddies, it is liberally spiced with South Africanisms and slang, please read the glossary at the end to understand some of the words.

Now I am gonna tell you okes a story, and you all probably gonna tune I
am talking kak, but I swear this happened to me this morning, I was
standing at the robot there by Blaauwberg and Gie road and checking
these okes with their cars performing all sorts of dangerous manouvres
and all, when this old vrot little beetle came around the corner with
this moerse cloud of black smoke following it, and I scheme, “nooit this
thing is burning” and I remember my old man telling me it is always
rape, pillage then burn, not burn, rape and then pillage, any case
having all these flashbacks the beetle come to a sudden halt in the
middle of the intersection, blocking all the cars planning to go anywhere.

Hell at this point I am so glad that I am freezing my nuts of on the
bike, cause this beetle is causing one moerofa traffic jam and I check
all these okes with their best four by four is not going very far and
getting all de donner in and grabbing their wheel spanners when I
squeeze the Buell past the beetle, about a block further I started to
think, now this is not a good thing, cause I never been very good at it
or did not understand always what I think, but I was scheming that me
squeezing past was not very brotherhoodly in a biking sense, with these
brotherhood thoughts going through my mind, I gooi a uwie with the Buell
to go and assist the stranded Beetle.

Pulling up at the beetle this venerable gentleman gets out and shakes
his head, he reckons he needs a push, I tune him nooit ou top you need a
pull, so he looks at my Buell and tunes, if that was a Triumph with
moerofa strong guzzi pistons in it you might be able to help, Now this
ou ballie is really pissing on my battery cause I know a Triumph with
moerofa strong Guzzi pistons would be fast but sure as hell it does not
have the torque that my Buell has and we all know torque speaks the loudest.

I just say to the ballie where is your rope, so the only thing he got is
this marine stainless steel cable they use for the tugboats, I scheme no
problem tie one end to the beetle front bumper, gooi the other end
around the Buell’s backshock, and scream to the toppie hold on...

Hell the beetle gave a little tug and we were off, I was first of all
scheming the toppie untied the beetle all skelm, but then I checked in
my mirrors and I checked the beetle is still there, so I start thinking
maybe the next time that one of these ships moer into the beach I must
offer them my services to come help them tow it off, and with all these
lekker thoughts and trying to keep my hands warm at 120, I check like
this lekker bike gap in the traffic and hit it on the torque curve, that
exhaust doing it’s double bass drum, the only thing that interrupted my
symphony was a bit of screeching metal, but I know these cagers in Cape
Town moer into each other the whole time so I just ignored it and
started to scheme how much money I gonna make by starting a Bike pulling
competition.

I work in this larney place that got a boom gate which controls who goes
in and out, but they really did not think that such scaly okes like me
will be working here, so they left this lekker gap between the boom and
wall that if you get the angle and aim right a bike fits through nicely,
well the next moment I hear this moerse crash once I am through the boom
and I check a beetle donnered straight into the boom, man that is when I
remembered about the old toppie and his beetle, hell some people just do
not appreciate it when bikers help them…

South African Slang:

okes( Pronounced like the tree Oak) - This is a shortened version of the english bloke / blokes, meaning guys, you would use it something like: Hey that oke there got a lekker chick: translated into proper english: See that guy’s beautiful girlfriend.

tune (pronounced like itune without the i) - Basically telling someone something or relating a tale.

Kak (pronounced like keg, but with a k at the end) - Shit, nothing more to say.

Robot - This is a south africanism, we call traffic lights robots, when traffic lights were introduced into South Africa, they were replacing ordinary human police traffic controllers, thus they became known as robot traffic men, now they are robots.

Blaauwberg and Gie - Two streets in a Suburb in Cape Town metropole

vrot (combine the v from very and rot then you almost got the pronunciation) - means rotten in afrikaans, in this context it means more like dilapidated

Moerse (take the word movie and add arse to say moarse, should almost get you there) - This word demonstrate the duplicity of afrikaans, in this context it means big, however you could also use it as verb, something like “I am gonna moer you” which would mean I will be giving you a hiding, it can be a noun as well, “Please pass me that no 8 moer” which in this case would mean that you need the no8 nut.

Nooit - Afrikaans word for never.

Buell - a brilliant and innovative American Sportbike made by Eric Buell using a Harley Davidson Sportster engine.

gooi - Afrikaans for throw

uwie - Slang for u-turn

nooit ou-top - Never Old Man

moerofa - Slang for a lot, this is a word for a lot of, using the afrikaans all encompassing word moer which can have a lot of meanings dependent on the sentence and connotation.

ou ballie - derogatory or endearing for old man, depends on the context, in this case it is deragory, it is a slang word for a man, there is two explanations for the word, one is that it refers to a man’s testicles - balls which translates to bal in afrikaans, or it refers to man’s bald head, the most accepted origin is that it refers to testicles

Skelm - Hmmm the most appropriate english word here would be sly

cagers - Motorcyclist slang for cars

larney - Cape Flats slang for smart