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Captain’s log #446. Star date #343434.32: What. The. Fuck? So here I was, taking a dump at Josh’s house, when I suddenly travel through time. No, it’s not a hallucination; no, I’m not high on some weird shit… well, at least not right now. Fuck, like I said, I was taking a shit and I flushed while I was still sitting, and I jumped through time. How the hell was I supposed to know that the fucking W.C. was a fucking time machine? WHO MAKES A TIME MACHINE OUT OF A GODDAMN TOILET FOR FUCK’S SAKE? HOW DID IT GET HERE? HOW’S THAT EVEN POSSIBLE?

Whatever, I’m just, I don’t know… I mean, I don’t even know what to say. I’m still somewhat baffled from the trip. But now that I think of it, this is hilarious. I mean, I think I’m the first human being that has ever traveled through time, and I do it with shit still fresh out of my ass. Lovely. Anywaaaay, I don’t know how to get back, but I do know I traveled forward because of what happened: something similar to what you see when you press the forward button while watching a movie.

Josh’s house (where I was at, and still am) getting older and older, now completely abandoned; the world coming to an end, a lot of explosions and shit… so ok, I’m still sitting at the toilet, half naked, inside an old house which I THINK (AND HOPE) IT’S ABANDONED because I haven’t heard anything moving so far. Everything here is rusted, and old. Holy shit, what the fuck am I going to do? I tried flushing again but nothing happened, I think it’s because there is no water. Maybe this toilet needs water to travel through time. FUCK! WHY ME? WHY WATER? WHY A FUCKING TOILET? AAGGHHHH!

I don’t even know what year this is. I don’t have anything to wipe my ass, I can’t fucking believe my luck. What am I supposed to do now? Oh man. I want to go back, I mean, I’ve always dreamed about traveling through time BUT NOT LIKE THIS! I wanna go back, shit, I don’t wanna die here, I’m only fucking 21. I CAN’T DIE A VIRGIN, PLEASE GOD, IF YOU EXIST, DO NOT, AND I REPEAT, DO NOT LET ME DIE A VIRGIN. I’M NOT INTERESTED IN GOING TO HEAVEN IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH IT.

Fucking Christ, I just remembered I was supposed to go on a date with Sandy next tuesday. And I know I was totally gonna fuck her, I mean, c’mon, she’s a slut… You know what? Fuck this, I’m not just gonna die here sitting on my shitty ass. Hell no! My dad didn’t raise a sissy! I’m coming out right now, I’ll just use my shirt to wipe. Although my ass is kind of dry right now... Crap, my legs are frozen. Ok ok, now that we’re all set and done let’s see what we find…

HOLY MOTHERFUCKING SHIT! WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO EARTH? The sky is totally scorched and it’s really dark and red. Also, the air feels funny. There are no streets or trees or anything, this is like a big desert or something. And there’s a lot of corpses hanging around, but like from centuries ago. Like mummies or some crazy shit like that. Ok, I can’t breathe out here, I need to get inside again. Phew, ok, much better now. I didn’t realize the air was this heavy until now. I need to find a mask or something… there you go! K, let me put it on.

Wow, I look so badass. Like a fucking survivor of the zombie apocalypse. OMG, WHAT IF THIS IS THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE? WHAT IF THERE ARE ZOMBIES IN THIS HOUSE? OH MAN, THIS SHIT’S GETTING WORSE BY THE MINUTE! Ok ok ok, I need to calm down and find a weapon. Not a gun, if there are zombies or anything like it, it’ll just attract them with the sound. I need something sharp like a… JOSH WAS SHOWING ME A KATANA BACK IN 2016! OMG OMG OMG I HOPE IT’S STILL THERE!

Well thank you very much, you fucking Josh. There ain’t no goddamn katana or anything in this fucking house. Shit! If I ever go back I’m gonna make you swallow it from your ass, you motherfucking lousy frie… Oh wait, here it is! Aw, my good friend Josh, thank you so much for keeping it hidden from your mom! I love you so much. My BFF. Ok, now I’m ready to go out and explore. Let’s see what we find this time…

Ok so, besides from the whole bunch of corpses, there’s nothing out there. Nothing. No animals, no humans, no zombies, no big spiders, nothing. I actually tried screaming and nothing happened. Booooriiiiiiinnnngggg. Fuck, I wanna go back, agh, what can I do? I need to see if I can do anything to get back, I need to find some water.

Well… obviously, there isn’t any water in this bathroom. Obviously. Shit, I can’t believe my luck. I just can’t. From all the things I could’ve done, I had to come to Josh’s house and fill myself with those fucking tacos. Fuck you Taco Bell! Shit, but they were amazing. That marinara sauce was THE. BOOOOOMB. Agh! I need to focus. Focus, focus. What do you do when your toilet won’t work… You call the plumber. WELL THERE AIN’T NO FUCKING PLUMBER ‘ROUND HERE! Hey, I wonder if this stopcock is closed…

WATER! I CAN’T FUCKING BELIEVE IT! THERE’S ACTUALLY WATER! I CAN SEE THE TANK FILLING UP. I’M GOING BACK! OMG, C’MON MOTHERFUCKEEEER, FILL IT UP QUIIIIIIIIICK! IT’S DONE! IT’S FULL! LET ME SIT AND FLUSH, HOLY SHIT I HOPE THIS FUCKING THING WORKS… IN 3… 2… 1…

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JOSH! YOU MOTHERFUCKER! YOU ARE NOT GONNA BELIEVE THIS SHIT! DROP THAT FUCKING TACO AND COME WITH ME TO THE TOILET, YOU HAVE TO SEE THIS!